Start	Welcome	Star Guide	Horoscopes	Nude Horoscopes	Tarotscopes	Orders	Contact Us	Guest Book

The Oracle of Bitter Truth...
Asperitus Speaks!

Asperitus, astrologer and runemeister takes a somewhat jaundiced look at the stars for the month of April 2008. Fans should note that the format of the predictions has changed, with this page now a general forecast and the individual sign pages following on. Those of you who may prefer a more hard-edged look at the stars will enjoy the monthly spittle, drool and crabby comments of Asperitus...

Greetings, tiny chortling imbeciles! I salute you, one and all! It is I, Asperitus! Fearful to behold but worse to listen to, returning as if from the grave to guide you on the path of doom, the inevitable end to which your useless and wretched existences interminably lurch. Yea, have I not slept mightily as mighty sleepers do! Great dreams have I had to expunge the creeping ennui of this naughty world from which I have long been absent due to these ungovernable slumbers. Ah Morphia! I am yours, sworn to your arms alone, with occasional assistance from my little brown bottle and that lovely silver tube they keep for me here in the cupboard!

Yet all through my somnolence, the wheel of Heaven turned. Ask not for whom it turned, it turned for thee, Aries, and thee, Taurus and thee and thee and thee, whatever your names are! Yikes and double yikes, my little loonies! I didn't get where I am today by sitting around trying to recall the appellations of ghastly creatures, pinioned for a deathless eternity on the dread wheel of animals, the Zodiac! And speaking of 'deathless eternity', it was the hideous retrograde grinding of the grim lord of illness, old age and death, Saturn as he nitpicks his way through irritating Virgo that actually awoke me. So here I am, champing at the bit to chastise you, my churlish chumps. Lay back your ears and list to me!

LUGUBRIOUS SATURN

Yea verily, grim Saturn gropes his way through the nasty little sign of the Virgin and will do so for many moons to come. Ill-health will strike our finest fowls while the working classes will moan interminably. Nurses and police will attend a special school where they will evolve an entirely new disapproving look to employ in their professional capacities. There will be uncontrollable outbreaks of neurosis in Norwich while psychiatrists will declare Paris and Padua to be clinically insane. Red Cross workers will rampage through Reading while shopkeepers, sanitation workers and statisticians will swan off to Strasbourg in search of the perfect sausage. There will be draftsmen with dyspepsia, dieticians with diarrhoea and domestic servants with dental hygiene problems. Fault-finding will become an Olympic sport while elderly accountants will form a society for the revival of the abacus. This will prove to be a great success. All the while, the air will resound with litanies of complaint on all conceivable topics and the accountants, chuffed over their triumph with the abacus, will form a new political party and stage an attempt at world domination. This will also be a triumph. However, as the world is already run by accountants, no one will notice the difference.

JOLLY JUPITER

And, as if the ghastly machinations of Saturn are not enough, we have jolly Jupiter at play in the sign of the Hircine. Ye gods and little fishes, what lunacy is this, foisted upon us all by the lord of insobriety! Universities will fly the campus and set up underground while politicians and businessmen will build bunkers or secrete themselves in caverns. Cemeteries, cellars, cells and coffins will become a new trend in dwellings for the rich and successful. Everyone will want to work for the government or go to fancy dress parties as Old Father Time. Macedonia will rise from the ashes and again become a power in the world, led by Alexander the 'Even Greater Than The Last One'. Persons of status or celebrity will have skin problems or be unnervingly skeletal. Hemlock will be the new tipple and religions that venerate old age and view deep depression as an exalted state will abound. Wealthy persons will pay to have the last of the ice from the poles shipped to them so they may serve it in the drinks at their subterranean parties. The world will become more materialistic (a seemingly impossible achievement) and everything will be owned and run by business and corporations.

But great gods alive and dead, what's this? By my sainted aunt, there's worse yet to come with the heavenly doings!

DARK PLUTO

Looming in the vasty deeps of this angst filled cosmos lurks dark Pluto, now moved into the sign of the Hircine, trailing after jolly Jupiter. Governments will fall or rise while nations collapse or aspire to world domination. Boring and tiresome persons will rule over humanity while clerks and bureaucrats will be aggressive or become nuclear capable. Bureaucrats will turn to vampirism and far countries will come under the rule of wizards, sorcerers and occultists. Social order will be enforced by severe thrashings and the monotone reading of unutterably boring documents to felons and tax evaders chained in dungeons. The authorities will return the stocks as a public punishment, encouraging the humiliation of ill-doers, social failures and the mentally deranged. Finally, demon goats will invade the Earth from another dimension, conquer humanity and enslave you all, chaining you in your gardens or in public parks and forcing you to eat the grass and any articles of refuse that are lying about. They will then explode in the streets in a coordinated fashion, thus destroying the world and all her populace. By such means as this will the last days come upon us.

To read the bitter, twisted words of Asperitus, click your sign in this table:

Aries	Taurus	Gemini	Cancer	Leo	Virgo
Libra	Scorpio	Sagittarius	Capricorn	Aquarius	Pisces

Don't know your sign? Click here! If you know your rising sign, check our forecast for that sign too.
To estimate your rising sign, click here

Those of you on the more spiritual path can read more about the true path of this great, if tragically flawed character...

Now look here! Add us to your favorites right now before you forget, so you can come back each month to glean the wicked wisdom of Asperitus, the oracle of bitter truth...

Many Are Called

Many people are called on the path of enlightenment. Not all of those called can find their way. Of those who do begin the journey of awakened consciousness, many fall by the wayside.

Thus, few ever enter the realm of the golden beings wherein resides the company of the chosen. Of this select few, only one has entered the gates of Heaven by means of insult, corruption and threats of physical violence. This one is Asperitus, runemaster, astrologer, enlightened being and misanthropic recluse.

The Early Years

His earliest years were spent in poverty and disillusion, yet his extraordinary spirit thrived as a precocious master of complaint. Then came his meteoric rise to stardom as a tyro of the tendentious tirade, commenting caustically on the lives of rich and poor, famous and nondescript alike. Here he became known as the "hammer of mediocrity" and gained a fearsome reputation for his exorbitant charges.

This early pinnacle of success was followed (predictably for he knew it was coming) by a bitter pratfall from grace amid accusations of bribery and sexual misconduct (none of which were ever proven in court).

The Four Ignoble Truths

It may have been near this very pub, in Nhill, that Asperitus received his enlightenment!

During the course of his public humiliation and financial ruin, Asperitus retired to a disused public lavatory in Nhill and devoted himself to the practice of meditation. It was here that he found enlightenment (it had fallen out of someone's back pocket when the lavatory was still in use). In a moment of astounding self-realization, Asperitus rejected the gift of inner peace (it was too bloody boring) and took up the path of the four ignoble truths. These state that -

All life is irritating.
One must acknowledge the irritation.
Having acknowledged the irritation, one must criticize it correctly.
One must acknowledge that all irritations are equal and therefore everything is equally irritating.

Having left the lavatory in Nhill with his newfound wisdom, the master now set out to teach the way of the four ignoble truths. It was on his journey as a teacher of the way that he came to the doors of perception wherein he found the path of Vitriolic nastiness.

This is a "nine day" meditation where the first three days are given to constant abuse and insult, the second three are then devoted to incessant complaint and the final three see the seeker retire into a resentful silence that will open the doors of Heaven. At least, they will for Asperitus, given what he charges for this fiasco.

The Soul Of Humanity

Throughout his career as a seer, Asperitus has always turned his evil eye upon the very soul of humanity and seen nothing worth mentioning, even in passing. Tragically, because of a compulsive need to comment upon everything and an obsessive love of the sound of his own voice, he has never been able to keep quiet about anything whatsoever that irritates him.

As everything that lives and breathes irritates his esteemed personage, the stream of venom that flows from his gaping maw seems endless. You may bathe in it at this address as often as you wish. You may email the master if you're seeking rude and insulting guidance, though the cost will be high in both dollars and self-worth.

Click to contact Asperitus!

Click to tell your friends about this page!

The Oracle of Bitter Truth...Asperitus Speaks!