Astrology on the Web - Tiresome Taurus

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The Oracle of Bitter Truth for June 2001
TIRESOME TAURUS...

It may have been the merry month of May but it certainly won't be the jolly month of June! This upcoming and alarming thirty-day odyssey begins as usual on June 1st, dear bovine persons, just in case you haven't been paying attention. But, by June 4th, you may be excused for thinking that your affairs and time itself are moving backwards, especially in regard to the thing that matters to you most. No, not food or sex, but money! Mercury the messenger gets to play at being the loose cannon in the sign of Gemini and your solar second house of finance. He here teams up with half of the heavenly pantheon to ensure that, by the end of the month, the dollars no longer make sense.

The trouble in fact begins with Pluto, which is where most troubles begin, given that the underworld god rules the bowels, the anus, the genitals and, you know, most of those 'body function' and 'body fluid' bits that you love to use but can't be bothered washing. The underworld god makes a pass at the great Sol Invicti in Gemini on June 4th, just as the little messenger is busy reversing direction. So, if you're not starting a secret sexual liaison with some minor official in the railways, you're probably looking at a mountain of bills and feeling a cold chill work it's way up from bowels to brain. Some would speculate this is not much of a journey in your case, but I consider such assertions to be cruel (if accurate) and I refuse to support them.

When the FULL MOON comes in your solar eighth house on June 6th, the stress increases and the cold chill from bowel to brain becomes an icicle (no, not a flavoured one so you can't eat it!). As Lady Moon conjoins with Pluto at the time, you may consider pimping, prostitution or conducting a satanic rite to solve your money problems. Venus the goddess moves into your sign on the same day, ending your affair with minor transport official, but moving you into an artistic and expressive phase, colour-coordinating the vegetables on your plate before you add gravy. However, this does little for your financial situation but it will give you a period of uncharacteristic social gracefulness. Your manners won't actually improve but other people will think they have and take you to their bosom, a position you generally enjoy if the bosom is ample (for male Taureans) or well muscled (for female Taureans). And it may also give you enough personal magnetism to solve your financial problems with charm instead of thought (whew, there's a piece of good fortune!).

When giant Jupiter in Gemini, moving through your solar second house first opposes Mars (June 12th) and then conjoins with the great Sol Invicti (June 14th), money comes flooding in. This, of course, is as long as you're prepared to take one of several choices offered to you. You could choose the 'pimping' option (the money's good). You could enter the arms trade on behalf of some Middle Eastern terrorist group (the money's better). Or you could simply prostitute whatever principles you have left in some crass and commercial venture.

As you don't like night work and people with guns are too scary, you decide to take a job writing articles on male sexual dysfunction for a women's magazine called Medusa, under the sensitive pseudonym of Les E. Rect (Venus squaring nebulous Neptune with Neptune sesquiquadrate Jupiter in Gemini). You also begin an affair with a charming sub-editor and are issued with a platinum credit card in the name of your bogus identity. Things are looking up! When giant Jupiter forms a conjunction with the retrograde messenger on June 18th, your material is syndicated and sold world wide on the web. Suddenly, you have a new career and a new income. And, in addition, everyone wants to know you. However, little do you know that tragedy is just around the corner!

When the great Sol Invicti moves into Cancer on June 21st, bringing a NEW MOON and solar eclipse, the minor transport official you so callously threw aside mid month hijacks the train on which you're travelling. She/he holds you hostage in a disused siding until you agree to purchase a lifetime pass to travel on the vehicle of her/his romantic charms.

As you haven't had sex since that morning, you're almost inclined to acquiesce. However, after discovering that she/he wants you to go on a diet, expects you to wash before and after sex and demands that you wear a 'railways' uniform (she/he is an irritating Virgo), you decide to sit tight. You have sex with her/him anyway and one night, while she/he falls asleep as you're making love to her/him, you make your getaway. When you arrive back at the office just before the end of the month, Mercury the messenger goes direct and Venus the goddess squares revolutionary Uranus. The magazine goes bankrupt and your credit card gets cancelled, ending your brief career as Les E. Rect, sex therapist. I guess you'll have to go back to your real life. Or will you? Come back next month and find out!