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VEXATIOUS VIRGO...	 —Asperitus Signs— Asperitus Speaks Nhill, holy city Aries Asp (March/April) Taurus Asp (April/May) Gemini Asp (May/June) Cancer Asp (June/July) Leo Asp (July/Aug) Virgo Asp (Aug/Sept) Libra Asp (Sept/Oct) Scorpio Asp (Oct/Nov) Sagittarius Asp (Nov/Dec) Capricorn Asp (Dec/Jan) Aquarius Asp (Jan/Feb) Pisces Asp (Feb/Mar)
  The Sublime Irritations of a Spooky 2005Â

What ho, my insufferable anal intensive types! It's 2005 and the vile and bitter prognostications that pertain thereto are ripe for the picking. Unspeakable planets snigger in silly Sagittarius and your solar fourth house. Your home will be the stage for a constant melodrama of sex, death, betrayal (it's clear that Pluto is involved), a great deal of lively discussion and just a touch of beautification. You may have fierce rows with your partner followed by even fiercer sex. If you're single, you may have fierce rows with people who claim they hate you and then have even fiercer sex with them. As cranky Chiron moves to idiot Aquarius, you will adopt peculiar health practices, experience mysterious pain in your shins or ankles or take a job packing frozen foods in Moscow or Finland or Helsinki. You may cultivate fruit trees or invent a revolutionary pepper grinder.

THE JAPES OF JOLLY JUPITER: With the giant in Libra and your solar second house, you will be a beautician, a fashion designer, an aromatherapist or display your buttocks in the privacy of your own home to selected clients to earn extra cash. At the end of October, when jolly Jupiter moves to Scorpio and your solar third house, you will learn occult spells to keep people who don't wash properly at the correct distance. You will ask pointed questions of people at bus stops or have sex with people you hardly know or just go about your business, looking intense and meaningful. You may sell catmint or witch hazel or blackthorn berries to the people who need them (hmm). Persons who live in Washington or Cincinnati or Syria will communicate with you on serious matters. You may travel to these places on business. You may laugh or nod meaningfully when death is mentioned.

THE SOBRIETY OF SATURN: With the lugubrious one in Cancer and your solar eleventh house, you will still be trying to find your purpose, save the world or find a tribe of persons you belong with and can call your own (snigger). When miserable Saturn moves to Leo and your solar twelfth house (eek) in July, you will live on your own and paint tiny murals, get a bad back caring for elderly persons or look after retired actors with bad backs. Your opinion of people and the world will decline even further. As a consequence, you will busy yourself with minor tasks whilst waiting for someone to come and do something about the naughtiness and evils of a benighted universe ruled by insane gods. When no one does, you will decide that you will have to do something but that won't be for some time.

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