Asperitus Casting Runes...
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- Ho to you all, little snivelling crustaceans! Greetings and welcome to the month of jaundiced June. Let us hope you find enough friends to celebrate your birthday. After all, everyone needs a vain hope to sustain them through the misery of this life and this one could be yours, O nitwits of the nipper.
We left you in something of a Brown Study last month, or was it a state of abject depression? I can't remember and it's never easy to tell with you. Anyway, why waste time on the nature of your inconsequential moods when we have better things to do, such as cleaning our nails, putting out the rubbish or reading the vile and bitter prognostications for jaundiced June.
Giant Jupiter and mystic Neptune seem to promise the earth with regard to finances, if the tax department doesn't catch up with you first. You're spending freely on friends and associates, probably hoping to buy a kind word or a sexual favour. Sober Saturn enters your sign and responsibilities accumulate at your fingertips like flies at an outside lavatory whilst you adopt an even more serious and worried look to daunt the good humour of everyone who meets you. The great Sol Invicti clashes with underworld Pluto and you wobble under the weight of your workload, having yet another neurotic health crisis. Venus moves into Gemini and your solar twelfth house. You hire a talkative care-worker to nurse you and try to get a cheap rate on sexual favours as well, to save both time and money.
Mercury the messenger clashes with mighty Mars and you fall out with a bigoted sibling over money matters and then cut yourself on a Swedish knife whilst making sandwiches for lunch because you're too cheap to go out and eat at a restaurant. Venus the goddess squares revolutionary Uranus and your care-worker turns out to be a more than willing and rather supple sex partner (for overtime and penalty rates) but wants to include his/her sister in the fun. As Mercury the messenger moves into Gemini as Lady Moon comes to the Full in Sagittarius, the aforementioned sibling turns on you by spreading vicious and slanderous lies about your stinginess (O, say not so!). You hire a hitman to deal with this contumacious relative but ask him to just break enough limbs to make the recalcitrant recant. You're such a sensitive wee thing really!
As mighty Mars squares the Lunar Nodes, you cut ties with the friends (both of them) who professed to believe the gossiping sibling. Mighty Mars moves through Pisces and the great Sol Invicti moves into your sign at the Solstice, so you take a holiday by the sea and are struck with inspiration that will relieve your workload. You offer to pay for the sibling's crutches and rehabilitation if she/he will agree to work for you at a discount rate. As Mercury the messenger opposes underworld Pluto, the sibling agrees, after a few muttered threats about further beatings. As Venus the goddess then walks the same track, you decide to threaten other people with violence in order to get them to work cheaply for you. This plan works too. Historically, it's known as slave labour.
Come the New Moon in your sign, you relax on beach somewhere as your myrmidons encourage your minions to work on your behalf. It would all be quite rewarding if you weren't such a moody and miserable wretch. See you next month, O nitwit crustaceans
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Aries, the Ram
Taurus, the Bull
Gemini, the Twins
Cancer, the Crab
Leo, the Lion
Virgo, the Virgin
Libra, the Scales
Scorpio, the Scorpion
Sagittarius, the Archer
Capricorn, the Sea Goat
Aquarius, the Water Bearer
Pisces, the Fishes
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