Asperitus Casting Runes...
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Ho to the goats! Ho to your hard little hoofs and harder little droppings! May your pellets of wisdom always stream out behind you for others to recognize so that they may wisely choose to walk in another direction altogether! You might wish to know that the heavenly debate over the removal of your sign and your ruling planet, Saturn, lord of fateful reward, from the Zodiac has continued with some interest since it was mentioned last month.
Well, to tell the truth, there hasn't been that much interest. In fact, there's been none at all, but when did the gods ever show anything that could even masquerade as interest in the doings of this little backwater known as earth? The gods have better things to do than that. Maintaining a constantly comatose state would be at least one that I could think of. Anyway, I just like to make up lies of the nature of the aforementioned statement to brighten up your otherwise lacklustre lives that are dominated only by your ridiculous fetish for hard work and a general tone of excruciating boredom. You come here, no doubt, to read of your future, little goat-type tragedies. One thing is for certain! The future will be much like the past if you have anything to do with it. And what, in fact, does the future hold for you horned and quadrupedal things? I, Asperitus, the oracle of bitter truth, am here to tell you. Hark to me, bearded ruminants! I prognosticate!
The scourge of September begins with Mercury the messenger in Libra and your solar tenth house. Your days will be filled with anxious communications with partners and close associates as the consortium of fundamentalist terrorists on a campaign to end the slave trade closes in on you and all your doings. As Venus the goddess is moving through Leo and your solar eighth house at this time, opposing mystic Neptune, you begin to search for means of falsely appropriating monies. In that way, you could get out while you still have two kneecaps, the requisite number of operating extremities and a beating heart (with regard to this last matter, I believe it's a subject open to conjecture).
Come the FULL MOON in Pisces and your solar third house, there are urgent phone calls from overseas, telling you to flee for your life. As well as all of that, there is also a continuing stream of emails (they began last month) in that same terrifying foreign tongue. What will you do, goatish things? On September 8th, mighty Mars the warrior moves into your own sign, strengthening your courage and stiffening your spine. You decide to stand and make a fight of it. But, with giant Jupiter, monarch of the Heavens, in Cancer and your solar seventh house of partnership testing Mercury the messenger in Libra and your solar tenth house, your spouse receives a call asking if she/he would like to take an upgrade on your life insurance. The caller has a disturbing foreign accent and an evil laugh. Ha! Discretion may be the better part of valour but panic is an even greater part in this instance. You decide to flee.
In the middle of the month, giant Jupiter, monarch of the Heavens, makes cosmic mayhem with underworld Pluto in Sagittarius and your solar twelfth house and Venus the goddess opposes revolutionary Uranus. You grab what money you can and enter:
- an insane asylum for subversive seamen
- a monastery for psychic nuns
- a shelter for homeless private detectives and prison guards
- a reformatory for somnambulistic smugglers
Please tick the refuge of your choice.
Come the NEW MOON in Virgo and your solar ninth house on September 17th, you will, depending on your earlier choice:
- be criticized constantly by a retired Swiss midshipman
- experience a religious conversion while having your tarot cards read
- get really bored and go away to the country
- decide to become a gendarme in Paris
However, when the EQUINOX comes on September 22nd and the great Sol Invicti moves into Libra and your solar tenth house, squaring the Lunar Nodes, you discover the whole matter of the consortium of terrorists was a practical joke perpetrated by members of your own family. In addition to that, the terrifying emails were in fact only a series of communications from the Tunisian tourist bureau advertising a new holiday opportunity on the artificial canal system. You return to work shamefaced and planning to kill your family. Think of all those work hours you lost cavorting with smugglers and nuns! Oh well! Who cares? I certainly don't. See you next month, goatish types!
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Aries, the Ram
Taurus, the Bull
Gemini, the Twins
Cancer, the Crab
Leo, the Lion
Virgo, the Virgin
Libra, the Scales
Scorpio, the Scorpion
Sagittarius, the Archer
Capricorn, the Sea Goat
Aquarius, the Water Bearer
Pisces, the Fishes
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