Asperitus Casting Runes...
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- Hola, to you, vacuous vanities! Weep and tremble as I deliver personally (though without having to actually touch you, thank god!) the vile and bitter prognostications for the month of jaundiced June.
We left you last month trying to break free from nefarious deeds and villainous associates. And so you do, little pussy folk! To your everlasting credit, of course! Let me tell you how. Giant Jupiter opposes Neptune and you see the error of your ways as a higher calling sweeps through every fibre of your being. Sober Saturn moves into Cancer and your solar twelfth house of spiritual upliftment and other such nonsensical rubbish. It's the house of those wittering fish-faced idiots, the Pisces, if that makes things clear to you. Thus, you withdraw into the solitude of contemplation with painful knees or a malfunction of the anterior pituitary gland, threatening you with premature aging. Horrors, little pussy folk! Your hair will fall out and you'll have to find something else to spend all that money on.
A raft of astrological doings too tedious to recount sees you break with your more recent underworld associates and return to your friends of yore. You know! Those puling twits who praise your hair and clothing and agree with everything you say, no matter how inane it is! As Lady Moon comes to the Full in brazen Sagittarius and your solar fifth house, you gather these sycophants and imbeciles at your throne. You declare your intent to seek spiritual solace high in the mountains, in a region so remote they can't spell the word 'coiffure' or even make a cappuccino there. 'Which of you will come with me?' you cry to them. 'Take us all!' they reply, though there will be debate as to what actually they meant by this. It's all very moving really, if you like a good bodice-ripper! Myself, I can take it or leave it, depending on the available medication.
As the great Sol Invicti moves into Cancer at the Solstice, you set off across the seas to find your Shangri La. As mighty Mars is in Pisces and your solar eighth house, you manage to fit in several shabby and drug-sodden encounters with a variety of sea-faring folk along the way. But what's this? The hair-dryers won't work in the damp climate and the gel is dangerously low. You laugh in the face of such adversity, but your friends kick up a fierce uproar about inhumane conditions as Mercury the messenger clashes with underworld Pluto.
You mean to go on, but when Venus the goddess sets herself for the selfsame clash, your friends cast you adrift in a rowboat and turn the ship for home. So there you are, hairdressing types! Alone in a rowboat in the midst of a wild sea as the New Moon comes in the sign of Cancer. Will you drown! Will you come ashore and claim refugee status in a foreign land? Will you be rescued by someone who will later realize he should have broken the sacred law of the sea and left you to perish? Who knows? Who cares? Not I! Wake me next month and I'll see if I can be bothered to write any more of this tripe.
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Aries, the Ram
Taurus, the Bull
Gemini, the Twins
Cancer, the Crab
Leo, the Lion
Virgo, the Virgin
Libra, the Scales
Scorpio, the Scorpion
Sagittarius, the Archer
Capricorn, the Sea Goat
Aquarius, the Water Bearer
Pisces, the Fishes
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