Asperitus Casting Runes...
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- Dear little keepers of the sacred buttocks! I have some exciting news for you. I have decided to forgo my usual insults and libelous remarks and write only good news, praise and pleasantries for you in this, the month of awful April. What do you think, little persons of the properly creased trousers and decadent Italian shoes? I shall speak of your life as a journey of sweetness and light, a journey in the course of which only those things of the highest and most fulfilling of all that is great and good shall come to grace the perfectly decorated parlours and bedrooms of your beautiful mansions. I shall sing songs of how your beautifully attired lovers and perfumed children shall dance around the aura of your magnificent personal appearance, singing songs of praise and adoration for the wonder that is you. Oh god, I'm bored with this now! 'April Fool' to you, little nitwits of the perfect and blushing cheeks! Let us come away from this nauseous and cloying display of goodwill and descend to the depths of my vile and bitter prognostications for the upcoming month. Hark to me, you decadent creatures! I am Asperitus the terrible and these are my words of sublime irritation.
Awful April gets underway and you are in the midst of a conflagration of irritable and emotional persons, all of whom accuse you (quite unjustly) of heinous crimes against the person of the one you thought was the love of your life (or, at least, another one). Giant Jupiter wrestles in the heavens with Chiron the wounded healer. The great Sol Invicti and Mercury the messenger in Aries and your solar seventh house test out this squabbling pair. Assault comes from every quarter. People are shouting in a disharmonious fashion. You are even being threatened with physical assault. This is beyond belief, is it not, air sign nitwits! Assaulted while you're wearing the Armani suit? Somebody might bleed on it, and that somebody might be you! Que'l horreur! As the great Sol Invicti conjoins with Mercury the messenger yet another officious and self-inflating personage begins an attack on your honour. Venus the goddess tussles with mystic Neptune and threats of a financial nature are made. My god, little scales persons, they're intending to give you the economic snip! As mighty Mars then squares revolutionary Uranus, your blood boils. You've had enough, by god! It's all too loud, too disharmonious and they all dress so badly! You hire an assassin with occult powers to wreak your vengeance upon all that threaten you and laugh at your clothing.
Come the NEW MOON in Aries and your solar seventh house, you let loose the dogs of war and resolve never to fall in love again! Amid the sniggering and yawns that accompany your public announcement of this mighty oath, you plot the downfall of your enemies with your hired assassin as Mercury the messenger moves into Taurus and your solar eighth house. As mighty Mars moves into Gemini and your solar ninth house, you decide to leave the country so as to have an alibi that will protect you as your opponents begin to fall, one by one, before the sweeping blade of your vengeful scythe. As Mercury squares mystic Neptune, the drama begins to unfold with the utmost of secrecy. Even I, Asperitus, the oracle of bitter truth, do not know what is occurring here! As Lady Moon conjoins with giant Jupiter to oppose Chiron the wounded healer, your distraught mother begs you to never return home now that you have left for foreign climes. She also says that you were adopted anyway. As the great Sol Invicti is moving through Taurus and your solar eighth house while Venus the goddess squares revolutionary Uranus, you decide to seek work in the world of corporate finance and banking, where people can afford to dress properly.
As Venus the goddess moves into Gemini and your solar ninth house, you are travelling the scenic routes of Europe, in search of the solace of the dollar. Come the FULL MOON in Scorpio, the way ahead is set. No more will love be your goal! Only greed! As Mercury the messenger squares revolutionary Uranus and moves into Gemini, urgent communications travel back and forth across the globe. You set up your financial empire to take revenge, not only on this recent bevy of enemies, but also on all that have ever ridiculed you and your fashion sense. That's quite a list, little scales twits! Come back next month and watch as the campaign of death gets underway.
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Aries, the Ram
Taurus, the Bull
Gemini, the Twins
Cancer, the Crab
Leo, the Lion
Virgo, the Virgin
Libra, the Scales
Scorpio, the Scorpion
Sagittarius, the Archer
Capricorn, the Sea Goat
Aquarius, the Water Bearer
Pisces, the Fishes
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