Astrology on the Web - Vexatious Virgo

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Asperitus Casting Runes...

The Oracle of Bitter Truth for March 2002
VEXATIOUS VIRGO...

Salutations, little carping creatures on the path of neurotic humility! Are you still making the appropriate obeisance before your shrines to Mother Teresa, Sri Chimnoy and Hildegard Von Bingen? Or, if you favour sporting and militaristic activity, perhaps it's Gentleman Jim Corbett, Yasser Arafat and Slobodan Milosovic? Or, if you have a leonine leaning amongst your virginal purity, you may favour royalty such as Louis XIV, Henry V and Elizabeth I (the virgin queen)? Or perhaps, for the perverse virgin, it's Jesse James, the Mayfair Boy and Peewee Herman? The feminists among you would, of course, choose Mary Shelley, Maria Montessori and Jessica Mitford. All of these creatures are (or were) of the odious virginal persuasion. And, likely as not, they all (to a man or woman) found fault with everyone and everything around them as they continued a constant commentary on the matter of how their own endeavours also fell short of whatever mythical mark it is your lunatic tribe sets for itself.

Doubtless, you have researched the personal history of each and every role model so as to establish their hygiene practices and their fastidious attention to detail. Clearly, any gathering of virgins would be hugely entertained to hear the scintillating but probably apocryphal tale of how Jesse James cleaned his gun with palm oil or how Mother Teresa sanded her corns with the dried crusts of organic wholemeal bread. Alas, the rest of us may never know such joys since we would surely die of boredom if any of you even began to recount them. No matter! Whatever the icons on your personal altar, little virgins, they doubtless include the images of persons whose irritating desire for perfection clearly exceeds the measure your own aspirations. And thus it is that you reach for the kind of greatness only such a humble and neurotic nonentity as yourself could ever know in this benighted world ruled by insane gods. Great Heavens, little virgins! I think I'm falling asleep. Get out the cat o' nine tails and I'll get on with the vile and bitter prognostications for the month of miserable March.

Since the month's half over before I've even begun this wretched undertaking (a bout of temporary sanity kept me from working but, as you can see, I've recovered), I'll keep it short and bittersweet (pardon the oxymoron). A great many things have happened at the start of the month and, doubtless, you can remember them better than I, so I won't bother to recount them. But, the rough outline is that with mighty Mars in Taurus and your solar ninth house, you'll take your new spouse on risky adventures (in the hope that you'll lose him as you're now regretting your marriage). You'll also fight with your spouse's relatives, largely due to the risks you're forcing her/him to take. And, with mighty Mars harmonizing with giant Jupiter in Cancer and your solar eleventh house (now in forward motion), you'll resurrect the Society for Worry and Complaint and get back on track with the type of neurotic crusade of which you're inordinately fond. As the great Sol Invicti wrestles with underworld Pluto, you will have fought with your spouse, causing grievous injury since, of course, your tongue is classified as a lethal weapon. When Venus moves into Aries and your solar eighth house, you'll have begun an affair with redheaded, angry occultist who works as a mortician (either of these functions may serve your current ends and you do like a lover with a practical use). When Mercury the messenger conjoins with revolutionary Uranus, you have a spasmodic attack of the extremities that brings several more than enjoyable sexual episodes in your new illicit relationship. When the messenger then moves into Pisces and your solar seventh house, you get bored with waiting for your spouse to realize that she/he is surplus to requirements and hold a deep and meaningful discussion wherein you communicate the state of play. As Venus the goddess wrestles with giant Jupiter, you decide to end the marriage as you now find yourself in the grip of an obsession to get your great cause moving again. You recruit your secret lover to the Society.

At the NEW MOON in Pisces, you send the pathetic spouse packing. As mighty Mars squares mystic Neptune, your angry in-laws make several attempts to poison you. But, as they don't realize that you possess a supernatural sense of smell, their efforts are futile. However, under the heady influence of this bizarre psycho-sexual planetary aspect (Mars and Neptune), you begin a series of unspeakable practices with your occultist in his mortuary, entering the realm of sexual magic as the great Sol Invicti enters Aries at the Equinox. As Mercury the messenger challenges underworld Pluto, these new practices unleash a depth of feeling hitherto unknown to you. As the great Sol Invicti tests giant Jupiter, you put the power of sexual magic and occult rites to work secretly to draw new members to the Society for Worry and Complaint.

Come the FULL MOON in Libra and your solar second house, a membership drive produces funds aplenty. As Mercury the messenger enters Aries, you decide that if the world will not come to your virginal point of view, then the magical powers of sex and your body will compel the mass of humanity to worry and complain as you do. You will use your newfound occult powers to make the world a cleaner place. Great Heavens! What a horrible thought! I'm going to lie down now.