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The Jittery Journeys of May 2004

Salutations, goatish tragedies! Last month we left you gesticulating wildly in a manner not only uncharacteristic but also unbecoming for your nitwit sign. And what do we find this month? Let us look forthwith to the vile and bitter prognostications for manic May and see what further indignities await you.

Mischievous Mercury moves direct and you begin to gain some measure of control over these extraordinary saltatious and vexatious gyrations. The Full Moon in obsessive Scorpio brings a Lunar Eclipse to your solar eleventh house and the few friends you have desert you due to the embarrassment of being seen in public in your company. Jolly Jupiter moves forward again and you begin to wonder if you have St Vitas Dance or perhaps have fallen under the sway of some kind of religious fit. Marauding Mars enters Cancer and your movements are such that all who encounter you step aside or leap to do as you say rather than risk an encounter with your flying limbs.

Great gods alive and dead, my little goatish nincompoops! Do you realize what’s happening? Everyone obeys you, instantly and with the correct measure of fear in their eyes! By my little brown bottle, this is a dream come true, even if the manner of its realization is somewhat eccentric! As vamping Venus turns retrograde, you return to work and recalcitrant employees fall into line, performing the required tasks with an efficiency that is almost alarming. You send pictures of these fearsome contortions on your mobile phone to your errant family and they instantly stop wasting time and money and begin to perform the proper household tasks and speak respectfully of you.

Yikes and double yikes! That constitutes a mystical experience! Mischievous Mercury re-enters cloddish Taurus and you begin to enjoy your unruly movements, almost as if you are performing a kind of martial art. And, come a New Moon in the sign of the Bull, you decide that’s exactly what this all shall be. You will devise a system, write a book, teach the art of it and make a fortune! And, under a raft of odious planetary aspects too tedious to name, that is exactly what you set about doing.

Vamping Venus moving backwards clashes with underworld Pluto and you envision yourself as the leader, nay the guru of a new cult that will allow those who deserve to hold power (those of your miserable sign that is) to break the spirit of humanity by exposure to these sinister contortions. Thus will you subjugate the world to your evil desire for profit! Will you succeed in this dastardly plan? Click here next month and see.

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