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  The Jaded Japes of June 2008 Â

As noxious November rolls out the challenge from ghastly Saturn to idiot Uranus, ghosts will haunt your psyche, especially elderly or critical ones. You have regular nightmares about your parents and suffer mysterious symptoms that doctors will be unable to diagnose.

You will criticise your efforts at everything, worrying about your career and why you're such a failure at everything you do. You'll keep changing your job when you run out of people in the office to have affairs with, and will blow up expensive technical equipment due to being unable to read a manual written in Corinthian.

So you throw nuts at old people as they pass your window. You then invent imaginary pets and talk to them, as you've gone off human beings. You will moan and cry to them about the terrible sufferings of your past.

TIPS FOR JADED JUNE:

You encounter talkative foreigners or academics that will trip over their words. You arrange to meet friends at a show or an exhibition, but catch transport going in the wrong direction. You bump into excitable people in the street and then rush off to buy exotic food from a street stall. You argue with people at work, so naturally you get irritable or over-excited at an office party.

An old friend will have to be restrained from hitting people or pushing heavy objects over, but as vamping Venus and the great Sol Invicti slither into Cancer, you'll have secret sex at an official function or buy cheap food from a delicatessen to serve at the office party. Return anon to see how it all turns out, my frightful fashionistas.

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