Astrology on the Web - Crabby Cancer

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Asperitus Casting Runes...

The Oracle of Bitter Truth for January 2002
CRABBY CANCER...

Happy New Year, you neurotic seaside monstrosities! No doubt you'll be able to make you and all around you as miserable this year as you have in every year in the past.

Well, enough of this delightful banter! Last month we left you in a suitably tragic situation, with your family at your throat over the money you pay them to look after you and your house surrounded by a band of zealots led by the supposed reincarnation of James the Apostle. In addition to that, you had fallen into a swoon as dastardly threats were being made against your person and the cult of Dolphinsong. As giant Jupiter makes all manner of ghastly mayhem with the great Sol Invicti and Venus the goddess, you awake to find your home swarming with zealots. They are despoiling the sanctity of your private rooms and chanting the name of 'Jimmy the Poss', this last deriving from the fact that these people are rap fans as well as Christian zealots. In addition, they have thrown your family into the streets, uttering all manner of dark threats should they dare to return, thus proving every cloud does indeed have a silver lining.

With Mercury the messenger in Aquarius and your solar eighth house, harmonizing with mystic Neptune, the so-named Jimmy the Poss now begins to preach his gospel with a manic 'rapsta' fury. The agonizing ordeal drives you to your sickbed where you lie with glazed eyes and dazed brain. The insistent rhythms drive deep into the reaches of your crustacean soul, polluting the very vibration of Dolphinsong and pushing you to the edge of insanity. However, as with most religious experience (as in fact with most religions) insanity proves to be axis on which a powerful belief is constructed.

Come the NEW MOON in Capricorn and your solar seventh house, you suddenly rise from your bed of woe, numbed into a benign dementia by the mindless rhythms. No more fish for you, little crabs! As mighty Mars squares the Lunar Nodes, you declare yourself for Jimmy the Poss. As Mercury turns retrograde and mighty Mars moves into Aries, you yourself have the experience of inspired preaching and thus rush into the streets to spread the word of this new gospel. You then decide on the spur of the moment that you will devote yourself to this great cause and build a temple to Jimmy the Poss in order to further your already extraordinary acts of faith.

As Venus the goddess and the great Sol Invicti move into Aquarius and your solar eighth house, the zealots and Jimmy himself become increasingly involved in your financial affairs while the plans for the temple are laid. Because of your newfound religious zeal, you fail to notice the covert smiles, the nods and the winks that pass between them as the full extent of your wealth from Dolphinsong is revealed for one and all to see. Then, disaster strikes! As the FULL MOON comes in the odious sign of Leo, opposing a stellium of heavenly bodies in the equally odious sign of Aquarius, you awake one morning to an empty house and, what's worse, empty bank accounts. The zealots have fled with your funds with nary a brick of the temple even purchased, let alone laid!

As mighty Mars squares giant Jupiter, you wander the house in a daze, fiddling absently with your keys. What will you do, little seaside monstrosities? And then you look down. Your right hand now holds the key to the gun rack while your left hand holds the key to the liquor cabinet. Will you choose the left hand or the right hand path to solve this dilemma? Click here next month and see!

TIP FOR 2002: With sober Saturn, lord of fateful reward, still in Gemini and your solar twelfth house, you'll worry over the future, despair over the past and take drugs or join a religious cult. However, when giant Jupiter moves into Leo and your solar second house, you'll make lots of money by doing something really creative or glamorous and feel happy again, even if you aren't really.