Great curdling custards and galumphing galoshes, it's a dire and damnable time in the moronic march of life on Earth, my tiny pussy types! And you, mewling for your milksop pleasures will find yourselves adrift amidst the stormy seas of all the nasty things, known, nameless and unknowable. It's on for young and old right at the moment you start reading this egregious drivel, and possibly before, though it is certain to feel worse once you've swum the turgid swells and wild waves of this ocean of my enlightened inanities.
Hark to me, vacuous hairdressing persons, for I have the oil of prognostication, vile, bitter and particularly viscous, just for you. In the wake of personal tragedy, such a fluid may also double as styling mousse. Back to the topic at hand... the wasted breath of your hideous future!
Dark Pluto, underworld lord, writhes in ghastly Capricorn and your house of work (eek) and health (ugh), looking to punch the nose or grab the goolies of grim Saturn, doing the best his ancient bollocks can manage to unbalance the scales of justice while cavorting in the sign of loathsome Libra. As this brings your solar third house into prominence (eek), there will be nasty incidents in traffic, your health will suffer or, worst of all, tasteless co-workers will disarray your coiffure with mighty blows or unpleasant laughter, or put superglue in your gel. Then, by all the gods, dastardly December sees psychotic Mars, the warrior, slam into reverse gear in your sign, causing you to trip on furniture, argue with athletes or lovers and lose your libido. Gosh!
As eclipses and mischievous Mercury reversing in gloomy Capricorn lead you by the nose to the New Year, jittery January 2010 will see you lose your way to work, lose your job or lose your appetite. Lawks a mercy, tiny Lions, how can this be worse? Well, I'm glad you asked! Jolly Jupiter, crapulous lord of fortune, slithers into wretched Pisces, seeing you turn to embezzlement, paid sex and the occult in your futile efforts at swimming these surging seas of trouble. After that, cranky Chiron grapples with narcotic Neptune in a corrupt and illegal fashion and you meet with someone so memorable that you forget about them instanter and then wonder later what it was you did that night in fractured February. Either that or you'll try an experimental sexual position with a partner that will leave one of you confused or unsatisfied.
As manic March arrives, mighty Mars creaks and cranks his way forward once more, returning your libido so you are soon having sex with every breathing warm blood you can hold down for long enough. Awful April sees grim Saturn return to vexatious Virgo and elderly people or officials will lecture you about your poor financial practice, forcing you to rebel by going out to spend all you have and more by waving the plastic about. With Mercury reversed in tragic Taurus, you'll argue with authority, confuse crucial career arrangements and communications or shirk responsibilities in order to have sex or socialize.
But, by my sainted aunt, what's this? It's hell and pandemonium coming to play in pussy land, as Uranus, the idiot god, snaps and crackles his way into addlepate Aries so as to pop into your solar ninth house. You rise up (ugh) eager, inspired and in a peculiar altered state and, on the moment, decide you've had enough of your appallingly routine existence in the land of humdrum. As jolly Jupiter, the crapulous lord of fortune joins the idiot god in the hideous sign of the Ram, you fly off to a foreign land where you enrol in clown school, learning to walk on your hands without spoiling your coiffure. You also purchase a comedy car with secret compartments for carrying chickens, rabbits and small cows (the scientific name for which is calves). Thus do you embark on a new career in clowning and circus, leaving behind all ties of work and family, hiring elderly servants to care for you, adopting orphans and purchasing a farm with animals.
Great Caesar's ghost, little pussies, will all this really come to pass or is it just a peculiar fantasy? Click here in time and all will be revealed but, in the meantime, hail and farewell!