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As marauding Mars reverses in Leo in dastardly December, everyone that's ever wanted to hit you will come back into your life and do so. Thus, angered by these unreasoned (hmm) and unreasoning attacks, you turn your back on conventional life (snigger) to be a heretic, as gloomy Saturn in your solar ninth house grinds at dark Pluto, lord of the underworld, lodged in the damp and morbid climes of your solar twelfth house.
After a search online and drawing your favourite tarot card, the Fool, three times in a row, you consider becoming a Huge Nut, a sixteenth century heretic that worshipped Calvin, a Scottish clothing manufacturer who designed the first pair of jeans. The Huge Nuts were devout but, like many devout peoples before and since, behaved in a smug and irritating fashion, thus annoying the French Catholics so much that the aforementioned massacred them in honour of St Bartholomew, a holy man renowned for his weight loss programs.
As the French Catholics and indeed Catholics generally were always getting annoyed and killing people, the Huge Nuts emigrated, going to countries such as England and Italy, inter alia. Sadly, the nasty foreigners (Englicans and Italics, inter alia) they encountered found them to be equally annoying and thus massacred them even more thoroughly, making them bitter and unhappy about their lives. The only creatures that liked the Huge Nuts (apart from other Huge Nuts) were a race of giant Squirrels living in the Pyrenees who found the heretics most agreeable, especially in Winter.
As you've never liked squirrels of any size, you decide that the way of the Huge Nut has no appeal and look elsewhere for a zany airhead faith to suit your rebellious inclinations.
Thus it is that you consider Mountainism in your eagerness for this journey of the higher mind (snigger). Another heresy (of course), though this one has its origins in the second century AD. Mountainism was the brainchild of a fellow called Mountainous (a large individual with a craggy chin and a snow white cap) and it involved lolling about in an exalted state, awaiting the arrival of a midair mirage purported to be that of a New Jerusalem, the old one having been at the least a disappointment if not altogether an illusion. Such an ocular phenomenon would presage a Second Coming or Parousia (as it was known in the vernacular) and was said to be imminent in the skies above Phrygia, a wild and exotic locale, noted for its mountains (hmm), ecstatic women and the invention of the fridge. To this day, the Parousia has not arrived and thus the descendants of Mountainous stand in need of just the kind of gee-up that a galoot like you can offer.
However, as marauding Mars cranks up the forward thrust in manic March, you'll engage in torrid and lustful intercourse which counts as a relationship in your life. Thus, you'll give up the bent of heresy and, with crapulent Jupiter in whimpering Pisces and your house of dollars, you'll make moolah with gambling, drugs, nefarious activity or by selling indulgences or the holy relics of dead saints. These last will prove to be incredibly successful, making a fortune for you until you're arrested by the police or punished by god with fire, flood, hailstones, a rain of frogs or a lightning strike.
As Uranus moves to Aries in merry May, you'll buy a metallic blue car and drive it very fast 'til jaded June reveals that you can't afford it so that you have to go out and work like a normal person. That's your lot! Ave!
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