- Greetings, flibbertigibbets, it is I, Asperitus, keeper of the prognostications, vile and bitter, and enlightened master of the disciplines of jaundice, ennui and the baleful disposition. Whilst in the past, the legend of you is a superficial mind and a proclivity for prattle and tattle in a two-faced sort of way, the recent seemingly interminable passage (eek) of ghastly Saturn through anal Virgo will have left you feeling uncertain of who you are, where you're going and what you're capable of. These questions are vexing for us all, if we bother to ever think of you, by the by!
But no matter! By my sainted aunt, what is pertinent is that something in you has been undermined and only a fearsome and relentless thrust will lift up what has been cast down. With dark Pluto, the lord of the underworld, lurking in depressing Capricorn, grappling in unseemly fashion with nasty Saturn, lodged in loathsome Libra, your solar eighth and fifth houses will be afire with unreasonable constraint and reckless urges. You thus find an occult master (or mistress) to instruct you on the dark arts by means of which you will take control of yourself, your life and of course the lives of others and their money.
As plans go, this is a good one but, sadly, little lollygagging loonies, marauding Mars then hits reverse gear in lackwit Leo as dastardly December leaves snail trails on the road to the New Year. Thus, a dodgy Italian phone provider hijacks your account and signs you to a lifetime of takeaway pasta, a toll free number for Vatican dial-a-prayer and a Pope Benedict the Apologetic screen-saver. Your car breaks down and irate commuters rail and rage while you desperately try to avoid ordering another supersize spaghetti and meatballs when attempting to ring a mobile mechanic.
A Lunar Eclipse on New Year's Eve sees money unaccountably vanish from your bank balance and, as ghastly Mercury already has a finger on the reverse button (ugh) in hideous Capricorn, you accuse your teacher of stealing it by magical means and a solar eclipse in jittery January 2010 ends relations between you without you having learned anything about occult power. As jolly Jupiter then rolls into snivelling Pisces, you take a new job with an alcoholic boss and get hit with several minor lawsuits, all involving deception.
It gets worse in fractured February when cranky Chiron gives narcotic Neptune a sacred humping and you accidentally connect with the Vatican's dial-a-mystic number and a virtual image of St John the Beloved downloads to your laptop, preaching about the 'end time' prophecies 'til your phone bill clocks five figures. Manic March sees the marauding war god, Mars lurch forward again, putting you back on the road though, as awful April rears its ugly head, nasty little Mercury reverses in tragic Taurus, sending your mind wandering so that, in confusion, you run into the rear of a luxury car, driven by an actor from Rome. He boxes your ears and hurls his skinny 'cino on your laptop, which at least ends the download from dial-a-mystic. And, with gloomy Saturn returned to vexatious Virgo, you find yourself off work and stuck at home, painting the pelmets, putting new doors on kitchen cupboards or simply doing the household chores you've left since New Year. Cranky Chiron slips into wretched Pisces and your boss holds a mammoth drinking session at the office, revealing he/she has an affliction of the nervous system from an excess of alcohol. You wait for a shaking hand to refill the glass, weep your crocodile tears and hope for promotion in the near future.
But what's this? Great gods alive and dead, it's all your dreams come true, my tiny tweeting tykes! Rampant Uranus rucks up matters in addlepate Aries and a group of fiery or uninhibited friends invite you to join an occult sex coven that uses lascivious powers, released in orgiastic abandonment. As jolly Jupiter joins with this lustful throng, also in the rampant sign of the Ram, he challenges dark Pluto and sober Saturn as Midyear bangs a slaphappy Solstice on the bottom.
So does a mighty teacher come to expand your mind (and other parts as well). This lordly occult genius, with powers both frightening and fascinating, reveals that the coven uses the sex to profit through corruption, embezzlement, bribery and blackmail and so gaining ends (eek) that are dark and self-gratifying. Will you triumph through evil, my tiny misbegotten twerps? Or, will malefic aspiration drag you to Hell?
As I'm exhausted and beset by ennui, I can write no more for the nonce. Click here to discover what nasty business lies in wait for the two-faced tribe! Ave!